Home Staging a Horror Show for the Unsuspecting Buyer

by Willie Green on April 1, 2012

Home Staging is the art of rearranging and dressing a home to make it more appealing to prospective buyers. The whole purpose of home staging is to achieve a neutral but inviting look that will highlight all the selling points of a house and make the potential clients forget about the less desirable details, thus covering a wide range of tastes and therefore buyers.

If your heart’s desire though is to keep your house and make buyers run for the hills, all you have to do is negative home staging and here is how:

Do no gardening for at least three or four weeks. You want buyers to be overcome with horror, not the joy of a well-kept, fairy-tale garden.

Don’t you dare mend anything that’s broken around the house – broken windows and doors falling off their hinges always give a house a horror movie look.

Cleaning should be a thing of history – best forgotten. Your visitors should have dust in their lungs to fill up a mile-long road when they leave, and enough cobwebs in their hair to make a nice cap. If they still make it to the kitchen, make sure you show them your dirty dishes collection – they’re going to love that.

When stepping into a room your visitors should feel like they’re stepping into a grave. For this to happen all lights should be off and all windows covered. That way your home won’t sell – unless the Addams family happen to come by.

Pets are a wonderful client-inhibitor so make sure your house is overcrowded with them and their litter trays, and if you don’t have them, borrow from a pet-shelter.

Clean, hygienic bathrooms are for sissies, not for brave-hearts like you. So don’t you dare go near your bathtub or your toilet while holding a detergent in your hands!

The week before the showing try to make friends with cigars and cigarettes and don’t air up the house. People love a smelly house.

Bring bugs in You can’t really say you have done a good job at horrifying visitors until you have showed them a house full of bugs. Roaches, flies and spiders should be easy to get inside!

Bring on the freeze Tell them you can’t afford to turn the heat on! But if it’s hot as an oven outside, turn the thing full on and give your visitors a taste of hell.

Suffocate your visitors with your lovely presence. You need to keep a close watch on your visitors every second of their tour and while you keep them from nosing into your cupboards and cabinets, entertain them with an endless account of your spiteful neighbors and the beasts they keep as pets.

If you do all of this, the chances are pretty good that you will never sell your house. Much of the home staging is all about having a good judgment. A home that is clean and tidy, that doesn’t smell like yesterday’s trash will attract a lot more clients, so if selling your home is your wish, try to disregard all of the above.

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